Why Thinking is Bad, Kids
Sometimes I feel like I inject my life with too much control, too much planning, too many right answers. I feels so estranged from normal society, sometimes, because normal society often doesn't think, doesn't control, doesn't get a lot of things right. I feel like I'm on the outside, looking in, at a busy metropolis of life and 
action and vivacity that I'm not a part of. I'm not willing to take enough risks, because I hate being wrong; so I plan everything out and get the right answer and move on to the next query, the next target, the next issue to consume. Sometimes I want to just make a change, make a very uninformed decision, one that will have a significant impact on my life, something that will shake up my controlled world. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my life, or someone else making decisions for me; I just need to make some decisions without thinking, do some things without planning, hook up with a random person, and not care about it (for example). What if I did something that didn't seem like the right thing, or did something that I didn't plan out beforehand? Did something in minutes that required hours? I'm so afraid of being wrong, or caught in a bad situation, that I haven't done that, so far.
What if I spend six years doing undergrad, purposely? I'd love to learn three other languages, finish a philosophy degree, learn more math, and spend a year or two overseas somewhere, maybe Switzerland, or, hell, Senegal. But I'm so afraid of being 24 and nowhere in life that I remain reluctant and indecisve. I guess I have to remember that I'm only 20, that I've got years ahead of me (presumably, that is; but you have to live life based on this assumption, otherwise what the hell are you doing?). I have so much
time to figure shit out and do whatever I want. I can't just fuck around forever, but I can certainly indulge in some things that aren't directly related to a career. I don't, I suppose, need to make progress in any particular direction, so long as I'm making progress, moving upward. Right?
And what is it that I'm heading for, anyways? Philosophy professor/author of philosophy texts? Do I consider law school? Linguist? Professional Douche Bag? What about bowling? I could drop everything and work on my ball spin. What about anything? Everything? I truly think there's no discipline in which I couldn't be successful. And the worst part? I could see myself being equally happy in any of the above situations. (Yes, even Professional Douche Bag; I've been perfecting the art for years now - all I need is someone to pay me.)
The more I think about all this, the less decisive I am. The more I think about it, th less sure of anything I become. The more I think about it, the less real it all seems, the more fake it becomes. Because if I can't see any conceivable difference between different life trajectories
(with respect to my satisfaction), then what's the point? Where's the reality? Where's the point at which I know one is right and the others less right? Maybe I don't. Maybe it's like love: there's guaranteed to be a dozen people who would all be perfect life partners. Maybe I should just pick the one that makes the most money and be done with it. But I probably won't; for, as usual, indecision wins, and I do nothing. Or if I do something, it's a baby step in one direction that simultaneously leaves me open to other options in case of failure. So I get nowhere, again.
I need to tell myself, over and over: I can't wait for the future to vindicate the present; I have to make the present vindicate the future.
No matter what I do, I'll never be convinced it was the right decision. This thinking makes me clearly incapable of making the big decisions, the important ones, much less live with those decisions. This all kind of sucks, doesn't it? But whatever, it's something I probably have to figure out on my own. Advice on problems like this is usually less than helpful, I've noticed. It always seems that the advice means well but has no practical effect on the decision-maker; or it doesn't relate in a way that's intimate enough to make a difference. And that's because the problem is more than just words on a paper; it's something internal, something private and personal, so deep that no one can get at it except the person it relates to. And it's really hard to put that shit in words, so the advice solicited/received is almost always useless. And that kind of sucks, too, doesn't it?
action and vivacity that I'm not a part of. I'm not willing to take enough risks, because I hate being wrong; so I plan everything out and get the right answer and move on to the next query, the next target, the next issue to consume. Sometimes I want to just make a change, make a very uninformed decision, one that will have a significant impact on my life, something that will shake up my controlled world. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my life, or someone else making decisions for me; I just need to make some decisions without thinking, do some things without planning, hook up with a random person, and not care about it (for example). What if I did something that didn't seem like the right thing, or did something that I didn't plan out beforehand? Did something in minutes that required hours? I'm so afraid of being wrong, or caught in a bad situation, that I haven't done that, so far.What if I spend six years doing undergrad, purposely? I'd love to learn three other languages, finish a philosophy degree, learn more math, and spend a year or two overseas somewhere, maybe Switzerland, or, hell, Senegal. But I'm so afraid of being 24 and nowhere in life that I remain reluctant and indecisve. I guess I have to remember that I'm only 20, that I've got years ahead of me (presumably, that is; but you have to live life based on this assumption, otherwise what the hell are you doing?). I have so much
time to figure shit out and do whatever I want. I can't just fuck around forever, but I can certainly indulge in some things that aren't directly related to a career. I don't, I suppose, need to make progress in any particular direction, so long as I'm making progress, moving upward. Right?And what is it that I'm heading for, anyways? Philosophy professor/author of philosophy texts? Do I consider law school? Linguist? Professional Douche Bag? What about bowling? I could drop everything and work on my ball spin. What about anything? Everything? I truly think there's no discipline in which I couldn't be successful. And the worst part? I could see myself being equally happy in any of the above situations. (Yes, even Professional Douche Bag; I've been perfecting the art for years now - all I need is someone to pay me.)
The more I think about all this, the less decisive I am. The more I think about it, th less sure of anything I become. The more I think about it, the less real it all seems, the more fake it becomes. Because if I can't see any conceivable difference between different life trajectories
(with respect to my satisfaction), then what's the point? Where's the reality? Where's the point at which I know one is right and the others less right? Maybe I don't. Maybe it's like love: there's guaranteed to be a dozen people who would all be perfect life partners. Maybe I should just pick the one that makes the most money and be done with it. But I probably won't; for, as usual, indecision wins, and I do nothing. Or if I do something, it's a baby step in one direction that simultaneously leaves me open to other options in case of failure. So I get nowhere, again.I need to tell myself, over and over: I can't wait for the future to vindicate the present; I have to make the present vindicate the future.
No matter what I do, I'll never be convinced it was the right decision. This thinking makes me clearly incapable of making the big decisions, the important ones, much less live with those decisions. This all kind of sucks, doesn't it? But whatever, it's something I probably have to figure out on my own. Advice on problems like this is usually less than helpful, I've noticed. It always seems that the advice means well but has no practical effect on the decision-maker; or it doesn't relate in a way that's intimate enough to make a difference. And that's because the problem is more than just words on a paper; it's something internal, something private and personal, so deep that no one can get at it except the person it relates to. And it's really hard to put that shit in words, so the advice solicited/received is almost always useless. And that kind of sucks, too, doesn't it?
8 erotic poetry prompts:
Ummmmmm Waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
Now that that's out of the way, who the fuck knows what they want to do at 20? At 24? Fuck me, I'm 28 (almost 29) and I don't really fucking know. I mean, I want to leave this country. I want to work on my education. But what do I want to be doing in 5 years? 10? I know of your friends, some of them are convinced they know what they want to do. And they probably do.
But this is not necessarily a bad thing. It is the greater mind that sees that other possibilities. That happens to be a curse in situations like this. You have a problem deciding which path to take as more than one seem enticing. This isn't a bad thing. And who says you have to choose right now?
I must say that first paragraph I found funny.
Mainly because its so much about how perfect you are and how everyone else makes poor choices. As if you have not made a "wrong" choice. This is quite funny. Everyones perspectives are different but I mean come on...
This is largely how everyone views things. I feel like I hear over and over how someone made the "right" choice and how noobish everyone else was for choosing something different. You have made choices that were not as thought out, or thought out as much as you would have liked.
Anyway you have made poor choices :)
Haha thanks andrew. When I was writing that group of sentences I thought about how they didn't obtain in every situation, obviously, but the general idea was still the same. But yeah, i did think about you or ben commenting on it. ha nice one
And ben, I kept thinking about how I know four hundred people who are middle aged and don't know what they want to do. You, Andy, Keith, Brian, Peter, etc. haha But you're right. I'm only 20, i'm a baby.
LOL. . . so now I'm middle aged am I? Well. . . fuckme. . .
Seriously though, I sort of enjoy the fact that I don't know what I'll be doing 5 years from now. If I knew what I would be doing in the future, I think I might lose track of what I'm doing in the present. And I sometimes enjoy the present (shhhh. . . that's a secret, don't tell anyone).
i know what i want to do. HA
Now I want to listen to some emo and cut myself...
Just kidding, however, 24 is not that old really. Of course it is nice to have direction and purpose. It is a sense of security, but there is no point in finding a direction just to be secure.
Oh have you made poor choices? Oh of course. You still hangout with me... that would be a poor choice son. :D
And, Ben, yes, a waaaaahhhhh is in order.
Peace.
You know, I never considered that hanging out with you might have ruined my future prospects. But it makes sense, really: you're gay, African-American, and uneducated. No one will want to associate with me if I associate with you.
Yuss! I win! One to nothin'!
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