Sunday, June 14, 2009

Well, well, well...

Go here. Don't ask questions. And don't be too sad I'm abandoning


Hard Ticket to Hawaii = Must See Movie

So we just watched Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a movie that, if any better, would be unbearable to watch.

Here's what I mean by that: it was soooooo bad (and I think intentionally so) that it was funny and just absurd and great to watch. If it had been simply putrid trash (like Transformers) and not the actual feces of a herd of gorillas, it would have been just bad and not good. Thankfully, it was nothing close to Transformers.

It was written, directed, and produced by Andy Sedaris, and he presents an interesting story. He was a pioneer in television, specifically sports television. He directed hundreds of sports events and even won Emmys (freakin' Emmys!) for them, including the 1969 Summer Olympics. And you know that shot during football games where they just point the camera at the cheerleaders for a minute? Yeah, Sedaris invented that, even coining the name: "honey shot." Just ridiculous.

So somewhere in the early 80's, Sedaris got the idea to do a string of movies under the group title "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes." They were to include 1) Shitty no-name actors (one of which who went on to a 27 year and counting run on The Bold and the Beautiful); 2) Bullets, bombs, explosions and all those things that make Michael Bay movies so terrrble; and 3) Playboy Playmates. That's correct: everyone has Playboy Playmates - and they're always naked, all the time.

These movies have some of the worst dialogue, the worst acting, and the worst plots that have every graced a TV screen, and that's saying something considering we're including things like "Lost" and Armageddon. But that's why they're great, because stuff that bad is just so hilarious that if you don't laugh, you're clearly missing what's going on.

How the hell did Sedaris go from pioneering sports broadcasting to bullets, bombs, and babes? I have no fucking clue, but it's god damn awesome.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

So....... (or "The First Blog Post after a Long Absence")

This the first blog post after a long absence. I didn't bother to fact check, but it's something like forty years. Maybe fifty. It's hard to tell, really.

Anyways, these blog posts feel a lot like meeting your ex-girlfriend for the first time after breaking up (" are things?"). Always a terrible experience. And this is very similar because the relationship between Blogger and Audience is in some ways akin to Girlfriend and Boyfriend (or whatever interchangeable genders fit your style): the Blogger puts out shit, the Audience reads that shit, and then comments with their own shit, and a cycle is born. In the same way, the Boyfriend (or whatever) puts out shit and the Girlfriend reads it, and gives back some more shit.

Now, what happens with the Boyfriend/Girlfriend can happen with the Blogger/Audience: shit gets ugly, one side gets upset/depressed/stupid/etc. and things, perhaps, come to an end. I suppose that's what happened here. I got tired/bored/stupid/depressed/whatever and stopped blogging. I'm pretty certain no one reads this thing, but potential readers operate in much the same way as actual readers, with concern to the Blogger.

Anyways (again), I suppose I'll write some more stuff. Thankfully for all readers, actual and potential, the NBA Finals is pretty much over, thus basketball is over, so the only sports writing will be baseball related, and I doubt I'll be writing much about America's Favorite Pastime, so there is, maybe, a God, I guess.

As for me, I found out (that is, I came upon this realization, rather than decided in any sort of autonomous fashion) that I pretty much hate most other people. Sure, there's a lot of people I really like, lots of cool people, but most of the people I meet on a day to day basis tend to suck. But then again, don't I suck, too? Aren't I just as retarded and stupid and ugly and not nice as they are? Is it all that, though? Or is it that everyone I meet doesn't give a shit about anything other than A) what's between their legs; or B) what's between their shoulder blades (their heart). You see, it's all about penis/vagina interaction (and some anus, obvs) and "how my heart feels." But isn't there a third part to that? What goes on between the ears? Shouldn't thinking and reasoning and learning be on a par with sex and love?

The world, apparently, doesn't agree.

But let's step back. Aren't I just like everyone else when I complain that the world doesn't adhere to my views? Yup. I'm just as much of an asshole as everyone else. So my complaints are stupid and don't matter and there's really no reason to voice them.

But then how do I relate? Because that second part (love) is all about relating to and with other people in a way that's more significant than "Would you like fries with that?" And how do you relate to other people when you're so distanced psychologically from them?

I don't know. That's my difficulty at the moment. That's my "conundrum" (I hate that word, btw). I'm having trouble relating to other people - fulfilling Need #2 - and thus I'm having trouble living.

It kinda sucks, you know?


But most people will misinterpret this post as depressingly hateful/potentially suicidal. Sigh. So, relating to and with other people is like standing in a dark room trying to figure out who's standing in front of you - and the whole time you're not certain there's even somewhere there.