Friday, March 6, 2009

This is not good all

I have a deep, serious, and terrifyingly frightening problem, one with potential existential implications:

I feel intellectually isolated in the most severe way at Arizona State University...

...and it fucking blows.

A "potential existential implication" is that it's mind-fucking me to the point where I love school (because I do and stuff) and I hate school (because it's like a goddamn wasteland of washboard stomachs and pure vapidness to an extreme degree). The insipidness of overweight people who look like life used to mean something but it doesn't anymore and the awful and vast "ugh!" I feel every time I see someone wearing clothes that would probably prefer a nightclub setting - this and more makes me want to scream, in the way that guy is screaming in that famous painting called "The Scream" where his face is all contorted and he looks like he just saw the one thing that would make him, specifically him, have the worst kind of heart attack, the worst kind of desire to just die0.

And it's not just the normal shit a lot of people complain about - the party aspect, the dumb people, & c. - but it's also (and more importantly) the complete lack of desire for anything school related that just surrounds you like this fucking sludge that you can't escape, you can't elude, and you're just in it and the whole time you feel like dying or getting away or screaming or doing something potentially violent and/or absurd in that I've-just-realized-that-all-there-is-is-nothingness-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do kind of way. Imagine being caught in a tornado: it's just whirling debris and vertiginous shit everywhere and you have no control and can't do anything and it's not at all what you expected or wanted or hoped for and you wonder why they hell you even thought it would be any of those things in the first place - and what the hell do you do?

I have no idea. No one seems to care about anything at school. No one seems to have that deep passion for learning that makes life worth living, that uncompromising desire to learn and to think and to be wrong and love it and to get right answers and to want to know so bad it hurts. No one, no one is like that. I'm sinking in this wasteland of cornucopian drudgery, but what do I do? Do I suffer it for another year and graduate and then hope grad school offers better prospects? At this point, if grad school doesn't offer a number of people in close proximity with the above outlined passion, the kind of desire that kicks you in the ass if you get in its way, then what the hell is everyone doing with their lives? Why are they living? Why are they even getting up in the morning?

And why am I even here to see this, recognize it, and despair so urgently, desperately, so profoundly? What the fuck?

5 erotic poetry prompts:

Unknown March 15, 2009 at 7:04 PM  

Dude school is a means to an end for most. You like learning thats cool yo. But most people are there because that means they can get a better job/a job that they will care about. If they didnt go to school they would not be able to get the job they care about. To you school is the end, for others school is a waste o time to get to the next stage. If you want to be around people where school is the end why dont you go be in Honors classes or go seek these people out, PhD program perhaps (this depends on the program and the school of course) Not loser classes with loser people. If you are looking for a challenge ASU undergrad loser classes are not the place to be looking and then complaining about.

To you school is the reason to get up in the morning.

To others school is a drag and all they need is that D (apparently D's get degrees, I always thought it was C's but I have been told D's are passing so you can get straight D's) That D brings them to the career that they actually care about. If you were in their final career path you might see it as a drag and why would anyone want to possibly do this while at the same time they are sitting in the cubicle next to you getting angry at you for not caring about your work.

The Filthy Logician March 15, 2009 at 8:54 PM  

Can I be upset that more people aren't concerned with rational thought? With thinking about ANYTHING? With wanting desperately to know the answer to a question? With knowing things? With learning how to be a better human being?

This is what upsets me. I realize that most people are using school to get somewhere else, but why can't more people be concerned with any of the above, just as a matter of living?

Unknown March 15, 2009 at 10:37 PM  

You can be upset about anything you want.

Learning things brings you joy, that does not happen with everyone. What makes you the most happy?

Would you be happier if you knew everything in the world but had no friends or had all the friends in the world but didnt know anything at all. You know what I am saying. Does "knowing" these things that you speak of really make you a better person? Does knowing English literature help anyone in the world? Does debating politics change anything ever? Or knowing the starting line up of all the NBA teams?

Does knowing who wrote something or what character did what in some book change your life? Big picture will it affect anything?

Also where are they being irrational? They are happier doing other things, you are upset that they are not happy doing the same things you like to do?

Unknown March 15, 2009 at 10:43 PM  

Or possibly

"You need to calm down and realize there are a ton of noobs you cant do anything about, so live your own life. There are 7 billion people and billions of them are noobs. You have no effect on anything except your own life so relax and be happy doing your own thing."

The Filthy Logician March 16, 2009 at 8:10 AM  

It's not really about knowing things or doing what it is that makes me happy but rather, about trying to figure out how best to get along with other people, trying to figure out out how to live in the world the best way we can, and not many people seem concerned with that. They'd rather bungle along without much idea of what they're doing or how that affects anyone but themselves.

But you're right. They are all noobs and so am I.